Retro's Tales

Dear Summer...

2008-01-28T16:18:00.000-08:00

i've moved!

http://retrospeaks.livejournal.com/

My name is RETRO...

2008-01-09T22:56:00.000-08:00

and i'm an alcoholic.

so, new years eve rolls around right. im posed to get my woman, then head off to get her close friend denise since her car got pwnt. im hoping nisey's a drinker, cuz everyone at nye can pack the liquor in and it'd suck for her to be the odd man out so to speak. so we pick her up at her hotel, p doesn't introduce us (=| btw), and we head to dave's crib.

now she mentions something about getting her drink on, so in my head i'm like "cool, now we dont have to worry about any awkward moments or any sort of lecturing from a non drinking bible thumper." she was like "yeah i got my shit with me so im good." i was figuring she brought mixer or something right?

[charlie murphy]WRONG![/charlie murphy]

we step into dave's crib. sit down. and she pulls out minute maid cranberry juice. with like 5 fucking mini bottles of sky vodka. and when i mean mini, i mean MINI. like, these shits wouldnt get a fucking ant buzzed.

i look at her incredulously and ask her what the deal was. she explained that she knew we were drinkers but didnt know if all we drank was beer or the like. i tried so motherfucking hard not to stoneface her. US??? the kings of ucsb drinkathons? the functioning drunks? pfffffffffftttttt.

so we had to show her the real and bring out the big guns. hence, the pic below:

yeah that's cute nisey. real cute.

You know how I know you're gay?

2007-12-13T18:07:00.000-08:00

Say no more.

2 more days...

2007-12-11T01:22:00.000-08:00

till freedom. more time to see my baby, call of duty, getting liquored up, working on pokerbling, the grey republic, and being a normal human being again. i can see the light.

i miss these days.

BYAAH!

ain't no such thing as halfway crooks...

2007-12-11T01:20:00.001-08:00

saw this at a sushi spot i went to recently.

rock you in the face, stab ya brain with ya nose bone!

Suffocate...

2007-12-11T01:13:00.001-08:00

so, while e-cupcaking, i was reminded why i was in a relationship to begin with.

that's why. j holiday put it pretty well. [cam'ron]sucker for love, mm mmmm, sucker for love[/cam'ron]

and damn proud of it. thanks for loving me baby. and thanks for letting me love you in a way that you've deserved your whole life.

Pretty Young Thing...

2007-12-05T13:04:00.000-08:00

so...

i was bored as fuck at work right? like super bored. so bored i passed the fuck out at my desk for like 20 minutes. that's when it hit me. i had to be unbored quick, or else i'd fall asleep again and risk the chance of my boss walking in on me snoring my ass off.

there was only one thing to do.

walk down the hall snappin my fingers and struttin/foot shufflin like michael jackson whilst singing PYT super loud (where did you come from laaady, and ooh won't you take me there, right away won't you baby...).

problem solved.

but.

one small problem.

MY FUCKING COWORKER SAW THE WHOLE THING.

talk about awkward.

HEE HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Fam man, you terry cloth...

2007-11-22T23:26:00.000-08:00

That means you very soft, gravy mercedes, add the cranberry sauce aaaoooowwwwww

I am NOT full of myself. I'm just feelin myself. There's a big difference.

excuse the old phone. it's a dated picture. retro photo safari coming soon.

Copycats...

2007-10-27T01:17:00.001-07:00

dudes wanna be me so hard, they got no identity left, so they run around actin like me committin identity theft.

don't front son, i know what you tryna do and who you are, i'll end it before it goes too far.

watch yourself.

That so few now dare to be eccentric marks the chief danger of the time...

2007-10-05T10:24:00.000-07:00

albert einstein was eccentric. teh Retro's music tastes are eccentric. coincidence? i think not.

The Fall Off...

2007-08-29T13:29:00.000-07:00

yesterday, me and my mans went to get him a new wardrobe due to his breakup with his longtime girl of 10 years or so. and lemme tell you, what he was workin with was atrocious. quicksilver button ups and some fucking quicksilver jeans.

oh. hell. no.

you catch yourself a good bird, a steady job, and your style goes down the shitter. exhibit A would be my mans slick.

it was a good 10 years, but people grow apart ya dig? in that time, fashions passed him up, as did a shitload of other things. now he's back to single livin and he enlisted yours truly to help him increase the swag. i was truly honored. that's my main dude so i offered him my services free of charge. cuz when the squad is out, we all gotta step correct or step behind the ones thats doin it correctly.

900 bucks, a pair of seven, rock n republic, and paper denim jeans, 4 slim cut button up shirts and three striped ralph lauren polos as well as two pairs of some casual shoes, and my mans was good to go, word to retro eye for the swagless guy.

yes, my wardrobe has slipped a bit since i found a queen, but i sure as hell aint leavin the house lookin offpoint. i just need this blog to keep record if i ever do start dressing like a herbert because of a relationship.

men dress to catch women, then it all goes to hell then they do catch em. aint that a bitch.

nothing wrong with wearing nice things, just prioritize first.

and remember folks, it costs money to look money.

ORLY?

2007-08-19T03:22:00.000-07:00

so... let's recap the prior day's activities.

250 miles driven

a toilet full of puke that wasn't mine

getting to see my boy who was celebrating his bday for the span of oh, roughly 10 minutes

arriving at the club too late to party with my folks

all in all, a stupendous time.

fuckerrrrreeedddd

2007-08-11T04:14:00.000-07:00

drunk as shit, yeah tone so what if my myspace done turned soft. and so what if my lady turned me soft.

sheit.

he admitted if he had a woman like mines he;d be soft too though.

good looks to oj. ;et me get some more work though.,

eeehehehehehehehhe

2007-07-28T12:49:00.000-07:00

gotta love deadaim's aliasing.

updates...

2007-07-25T10:12:00.001-07:00

been a while folks. so to catch up here are the happenings since i've done that stupid retarded overtime on a friday night:

1. got FUCKED UP at zanzibar. me, tone and rod hit it up two fridays ago. dj hapa and mr choc was spinning so you know the music was quality. rod had 3 ales, and tone and myself split 3/4 of a bottle of absolut before we went in. now, i was slurring pretty good by the time we got in, but the homegirl rosie was bartending that night so you know how WE do. ordered a round of tokyo teas, got the second round for free 99. next thing you know, rod is outside kissin the curb, and i went around the back end of the club to pass out in an alley, only to get up and pass out in some bushes. tone had to bribe me with the temptation of a post-club meal to finally find me. i swear i need a homing beacon when i get that smashed.

2. thusly, i was 5 hours late in picking up the lady. i know i know, =| at me. but, i did make a badass meal for her and some folks while noelle and monica helped and noelle served up some orgasmic garlic bread. pinkberry afterward wrapped up the night nicely. yes i know, overrated but i still love it.

3. im graduating in december. WOOT to 8 year graduation plans!

why sprite is the god of sodas.

2007-07-12T22:28:00.000-07:00

FUCKING VOLTRON

bored at work...

2007-07-06T20:50:00.000-07:00

while doing 9+ hours of OT will make you watch things like this:

you're not ready for the triple decker pecker wrecker.

smh

2007-07-05T15:43:00.001-07:00

retro: im wearing those saturday btw
p: lol
p: i don't eem look at your feet
p: i'm too busy looking at your ass

good thing i sag =D

wowwwwwwwwww

2007-07-02T08:36:00.000-07:00

DISCLAIMER: THE FOLLOWING STORY IS NOT RETRO'S, I JUST THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY AS FUCK. I BORROWED THE POST FROM NT. KERRY AKA STAR TIME IS THE REAL AUTHOR. ENJOY

I made a bet wit' my homie that I wouldn't throw up at all that weekend or I'd give him 30 diamond push ups. I'm happy to say that I upheld my end of the bargain, but I was still gettin' it in heavy out there. We all was....

The next day we back at the mall. At this point, I've already had it made up in my mind that we didn't get that real "ATL" feel. We spent so much time commuting back & forth to check my dude that lived 30 minutes away because he aint have no whip & we had to hold him down. I'm tellin' you, we really didn't make the most out of this trip......

I've always heard that there was a shoe called "A-Towns" that alot of the dudes was rockin' out there. At first I didn't wanna believe it because I also heard that they looked exactly like Air Force 1's. I was hopin' that I would go out there & not see anything remotely close to this shit low & behold as I'm cruisin' the mall, I stumble upon this caca.....

Random fitted pic for my dude. I copped him the black joint with the Stop sign on the front.... (sarcasm)

Some random Niketalker approached me in the mall & gave me this CD. I knew he was a Niketalker because his hair looked like freshly cut grass & the way he gave me a pound was one of those awkward type things where he starts off as a pound & he sees you about to give dap & then he quickly changes his hand to dap while you've already decided to not give dap anymore & he just gave me the face with a peace sign.....

We made a stop at Golden Corrall. For those of ya'll that never ate there, this spot is ridiculous. It's a buffet spot. They got so much damn food there, it's insane. They have just about anything. You can eat pepperoni pizza with scrambled eggs there like 9 o'clock at night. I was stuffin' cookies & fried fish in my jeans pocket on some Napoleon Dynamite shit. They need a spot like this in the city. I'd take a broad here all the time. I even managed to bag some white chick that works in there. She has one of those squishy faces like someone is waving a dirty sock in front of her face. I don't give a good cotdamn though, you know how I do......

Random fake J's pic. That's another thing about out there, they love fake J's, especially the VII's. I don't know what it is about that particular style, but I seen a plethora of fake VII's out there. Girbaud jeans & fake J's, that's the uniform out there.....

Aight so here's where things get sorta interesting. I've never smoked before, ever. I'm a social drinker, but I've never smoked. Being as though it was our last night & we was pretty much on some "Anything goes" stuff, I made the decision to burn a couple of L's wit' my dudes. Now I've always heard people say "Don't smoke other people's stuff because you don't know what you can be smokin'" but it didn't dawn on me until after the fact. My dude came back to the hotel wit' kush & was breakin' it up in the corner on the low......

So when it came time to start chiefin', I took my hits & went through the whole "virgin lungs" thing & all that. I took about 8 pulls. It didn't hit me at first, but the next thing I knew I was just like in a trance. My boy P started messin' wit' me like "Yo son, if I tell you somethin' don't get mad" & I'm focusing on him mad long, I couldn't even talk" & he was like "You just smoked PCP" & I was still focusing on him like & then all my peoples just started messin' wit' me. They kept playin' that song "Hypnotize" by Jeezy & you know how that joint starts off like "Whoomp whoomp whoomp whoomp whoomp....., HYPNOTIZED YOU A HYPNOTIZED......NOW I COMMAND YOU NINJAS TO GET MONEY.....", I was lookin' behind the couch for that voice. Yo I was just buggin' out. I was like "Well I aint never comin' back from this high. Might as well get me a blanket & some cups because I'm about to go live in the street" & I was just goin' in & out of trances. Then these dudes tried to get me to go out to the club. I couldn't feel my damn face & they tried to get me to go hang out. Needless to say, my night & my trip to ATL was a wrap.....

So they all went back out to the club while I stayed in the room. They came back around 5, got me & we went to the Waffle House. That's when they was like "Son I was just playin', the L wasn't wet. It was just regular trees" & we all just started laughin' together like it was the end of a old episode of GI Joe or somethin'. I wont say that I'll never smoke again, but I gotta crawl before I walk. I don't know what the hell they was thinkin' startin' me off wit' that damn downsouth backyard boogie stuff. The damn weed had grey hairs like Steve Martin. They shoulda started me off wit' like tea bags or somethin'. I'd prolly hit the L again wit' a broad or somethin'......

....& that's pretty much it. All & all, it was aight. No disrespect to the ATL, but it damn sure doesn't have anything on NY. The vibe out there is cool, but that's the type of place I couldn't stay more than 3-4 days before gettin' bored & raising my cholestorol about 300 points. The females I seen were very attractive & nobody out there was on some ol' "Yall from NY" hatin' type stuff. We basically got love out there & that's what's up. I'll probably be goin' back to check on that stink face white chick I met in Golden Corrall. If she wasn't gettin' off from work at 12 that night, I woulda tried to get her to the hotel & put one of my durags over her face & beat or somethin'. I still enjoyed myself though.

The Next Generation...

2007-06-29T08:12:00.000-07:00

yunno, it's about time for a new generation in hip hop. im in my later 20's, and damn have i enjoyed those that have been in my life during the prime of the culture. from the early 80's till now, there's only a few grizzled veterans left with any shine.

these few are, of course, rivals turned bosom buddies nasir jones and shawn corey carter. honorable mentions include ll cool j. there's also mobb deep turned mobb sleep who's last ill album was murda music and recently signed to fifty (altho return of the mac was dope).

now i fully appreciate the mark jay and nas have left with us, and you cannot mention top 10 of all time without their names embedded in there. their positions within that top ten are debatable, but the fact they're in the list nonetheless is definitely indisputable.

with that said, it's time for me to introduce a list with potential successors to hip hop's top spots. here they are, in no particular order:

Joe Budden
advantages - in my opinion prolly the hottest rapper that hasnt completely blown up yet. this dude can spit his ass off, and there's really no limit to his range or quality of music. from "fire" to "nba" to "angie" to "whatever it takes," joey can do it all. any of his freestyles are retardedly on point.
disadvantages - signed to def jam, a label notorious for pushing albums back. shit, my mans joe is one of the hottest on the label, and we havent heard SHIT from him in two fucking years. as he so eloquently put it, "shouldn't be a question about your favorite rapper, and my label got me questioning my favorite rapper." cmon jay, dont be salty because def jam couldnt recoup their losses off of your album even after you went platinum.
favorite line - you dont move white, you lyin dog, that's a neverending story, without the white flying dog.

Lil Wayne
advantages - one of the better lyricists out of the south, with more exposure than folks like z-ro and t-rock. in my opinion, one of the hardest working artists in hip hop period. he stays in the studio dropping hot songs and keepin his name out there for the hungry fans. when on point, he's VICIOUS on the mic, and often outshines folks on their own songs. he's got the image, lyrics, and star power behind him to stay in the game for a long time.
disadvantages - the motherfucker cant stay sober enough to make a good complete song. that's why he goes so hard on guest appearances. lay off the heavy drugs weezy, thems is for the rich white folks. he also kisses his "daddy." as a grown ass man i gotta question that. he's also got a lack of depth to his persona.
favorite line - youre like 44, i got a 44, im 24, i can murk you and come back when im 44.

TIP (TI included)
advantages - hollywood and hood appeal for a little dude. the arrogance, swagger, movies, guest appearances, and controversy (punching chaka zulu in the face), always make him a highly sought after public figure. his delivery and southern drawl blend together seamlessly on a track, and he rides the beat to perfection, pause.
disadvantage - comes off a little TOO arrogant at times, i dont see it as too much of an issue but that may have been a reason behind his personal woes (best friend murdered after a performance in cincy as well as many a physical altercations with folks). his wordplay could also use some work, personally i haven't heard many punchlines but his mic presence somewhat compensates for that shortcoming. the proverbial chip on his shoulder may be his downfall as well.
favorite line - man these ninjas is all hype, not even rappin on real mics, just get high and say whatever the fuck they feel like.

Kanye West
advantages - being from chicago, plain and simple. home of twista and common, and definitely a breeding ground for "different" mc's. lyrical, controversial (bush hates black people), and one of the hottest producers since timbaland. after it's said and done, his skill set would be mentioned up there with premo, tim, dre, and swizzy. his whole image thrives off of the fact that he's into high fashion, indulges in the finer things in life, and struggles with his issues spirituality/morality. definitely a trendsetter, had dudes poppin the collars up on their polos lookin like douchebags.
disadvantages - suffering from the napoleon "bighead" syndrome. thinks he's way too skilled for his own good. some of the shit he wears to try to be fashion forward got the rest of hip hop thinking he's a certified fuckboy. button your shirts up 'ye, dont noone want to see that taco meat hanging out of your silk ver-say-she shirt.
favorite line - mayonnaise colored benz, i push miracle whips

The Game
advantages- one of the more lyrically gifted left coast artists. he balances the g'd up lifestyle with hollyhood living. started the "i hate g-unit" bandwagon, creating a buzz for both sides. consistently dope on the mic. being from LA and teamign with dre immediately put him up top.
disadvantages - tries WAY too hard to show that he's hardbody, no homo. we get it game, you from compton and pull the heat out like june and july. now try focusing on making non-hateful mixtapes and songs that dont center around beef or guns. he's also hip hop's own version of john kerry. pick a side and stick with it dammit!
favorite line - in the hood they call me roscoe, cuz the 45 will make a chicken ninja face look like a waffle

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

Dipset - the bad guys/troublemakers/trend setters of the bunch. yeah, theyre not the most lyrical dudes in the world, but cam with the pink, and jones with the rockstar apparel had dudes following suit like a cult. summer anthems here and there (see i really mean it, suck it or not, summer in miami, and of course we fly high) keep their names in peoples' heads. only reason they're not on the list is they lack any type of depth or crazy lyricism. they may also break up as a group... damn, where did it go wrong?

Killer Mike - atl's finest is a fucking monster on the mic. his mixtape gets heavy rotation from me. socially conscious but also with a street mentality, he could be hip hop's huey newton. kind of. i just need more material from him to be sure.

Cassidy - i'm a hustler was a smash hit and i loved his second album. its a damn shame he caught a case before he could promote any other singles. not to mention he ATE freeway in a battle cuz jay thought he could send a young gunner at the bol and was greatly mistaken. shoulda had beans or bleek go at him. he doesn't make the list because his first album was recycle bin material to me. but he should a lot of improvement since then, and hopefully this next joint will push him up into the annals of hip hop history.

Lupe Fiasco - hip hop's first super nerd. entertaining and lighthearted with awesome production behind him, also hailing from the chi. not enough material for me to believe he has lasting power just yet. he also needs to stop crying about his album being bootlegged and focus on dropping more joints for fans.

DISHONORABLE MENTIONS

Papoose - his songs are about as dope as his wardrobe. worst. delivery. ever. only joint he released that made me think he was anything other than mixtape filler was alphabetical slaughter. he fucking sucks.

Fabolous - omg die.

yeccchhhhhh

2007-06-26T20:35:00.001-07:00

these last 2 months, i've been an idiot. sorry folks.

Sesame Street represent!

2007-06-17T20:23:00.000-07:00

so me and oj were coolin at his studio a few weeks ago right. let me tell you, it's a surreal experience watchin some breezy get her cooter licked on with dudes in the background chillin and bullshittin, eating ham sammiches and the like.

anyway, he own a production studio that centers around porn on internet television. walked in and BAM! i got a pair of titties starin me in the eye. later on, we're chillin in the background during the vanessa and marie luv show, where we see some chick's business card. it read directly as follows:

JANE DOE(forgot her name)
modeling - promotions - massage

PUMP YO BRAKES. did this bitch just put "massage" after modeling and promotions???

at that exact moment, oj busted out into song.

"one of these things, is not like the otherrrrrrr, one of these things, doesn't beloooooooooong..."

i damn near died laughing.

Blowed Tales (Pause)

2007-06-15T13:31:00.000-07:00

so i was chillin with oj at his studio and he outside takin a smoke break when we came across the oddest subject.

why do ethiopians and purple ass nigerians work at fry's and at the parking posts at the beverly center?

mannnnnnn did he have a story for me. wanna hear it? here it go:

"so i'm at fry's tryna get some bullshit right? when out the corner of my eye i see a dark ass dude walk by and do a TRIPLE TAKE. like he did a double take then did a 360 slide and turned around to peep me out yo. dude straight up said 'doo yoo need sahm heelp?' i was like nah, im good. then the ninja started followin me around spittin game! askin me for my number n shit, sayin he wanna get to know me better!"

on the real tho, ole boy busted the patented fuckboy shuffle. walked by oj's aisle. looked once. looked twice. then without breaking stride, lifted up one foot, pivoted all the way the fuck around then busted a baseball umpire's crouch lookin dead at oj. that shit reminded me of the king's of comedy skit where steve harvey was talkin about the temptations sharing a mic and he did that little dance/shuffle.

"shoo be doop!"

sais

2007-06-15T13:26:00.000-07:00

sais: I got on a black nike dri fit armor shirt shirt walkin down the street wit black nike joggin pants and silver 97s n they sagged and my boxers showing lookin like I could be the 4th member of tlc and Shi

retro: the hell you do that for

sais: Loll I'm on way to pick up my car I'm goin to the gym

retro: this dude got the spandex shirt

retro: smh

sais: Lol yeah

sais: Ahahaha

retro: fuckin meathead
retro: got us jiggly dudes at the gym heated
retro: dont let me catch you outside with a box cutter

How could it be...

2007-06-10T23:11:00.001-07:00

that you can be both at the top of the world and rock bottom at the same time? shit just dont make no sense to me.

to quote nas, "a thug changes, and love changes, and best friends become strangers."

not that i'm a thug, but you know. the quote makes sense.

to open one door, i've had to close another. the thought never occurred to me till now.

I'm down...

2007-06-08T08:24:00.000-07:00

so while talkin to my girl, we brought up how i speak. yeah, i throw colloquialisms around here and there, but for the most part, she said i sound like a whiteboy. with a ghetto twang.

i don't get that part. it's all good though. because i love her spanish accent. she denies it, but it's there.

Dedication...

2007-06-07T09:08:00.000-07:00

"since you been gone, i been all alone, but alone is steroids cuz it made me strong."

i've lost my crutch. i'm an emotional cripple.

HIstory In The Making

2007-06-07T07:42:00.000-07:00

Two of the most famous producers of the modern hip hop era on some "aggressive competition," type shit, word to jimmy. easily two future hall of famers.

no disrespect to kanye, overall he's more diverse but ruff ryder's anthem > kanye's entire production catalog.

random thoughts

2007-06-06T23:44:00.001-07:00

so while giving mims album a quick go over before i decided it was garbage, i ran across a song he made called "big black train." yadda yadda same ole sexual innuendo.

then i came across a bit of a revelation.

would the asian version of "big black train" be the "short yellow bus?"

both hilarious and sad to me.

no i'm not high. but that liquid refreshment is calling my name. bitch wont leave me alone.

Cell phones...

2007-06-06T22:12:00.000-07:00

are the new chain wallets for hip hop. you can thank pimp c for that. this motherfucker be rappin with a goddamn phone in his hand since he got out of prison. now, i know ole boy wanna floss and all that, but seriously, motorola and blackberry should send him free phones for life. cell phones are the new jesus piece. get on it before the hypebeasts do.

pimp in the international player's anthem

game belongs to me

pourin up

get throwed

front back

dope girl

love song

in any case, i need a trill hat to represent for all of my southern folk.

RETRO OUT!

Fuck Gonzaga

2007-06-06T22:07:00.001-07:00

this is still one of the baddest men on the planet.

First Post

2007-06-06T14:54:00.000-07:00

now, as a first post, i decided not to come through with my usual social commentary filled with obscenities. instead, i'd rather make it a positive post.

i got this recently from NT (you already know), which was found in craigs list.

Advice from an Old Man to Young Men:

1. Don’t pick on the weak. It’s immoral. Don’t antagonize the strong without cause, its stupid.
2. Don’t hate women. It’s a waste of time
3. Invest in yourself. Material things come to those that have self actualized.
4. Get in a fistfight, even if you are going to lose.
5. As a former Marine, take it from me. Don’t join the military, unless you want to risk getting your balls blown off to secure other people’s economic or political interests.
6. If something has a direct benefit to an individual or a class of people, and a theoretical, abstract, or amorphous benefit to everybody else, realize that the proponent’s intentions are to benefit the former, not the latter, no matter what bullshit they try to feed you.
7. Don’t be a Republican. They are self-dealing crooks with no sense of honor or patriotism to their fellow citizens. If you must be a Republican, don’t be a “conservative.” They are whining, bitching, complaining, simple-minded self-righteous idiots who think they’re perpetual victims. Listen to talk radio for a while, you’ll see what I mean.
8. Don’t take proffered advice without a critical analysis. 90% of all advice is intended to benefit the proponent, not the recipient. Actually, the number is probably closer to 97%, but I don’t want to come off as cynical.
9. You’ll spend your entire life listening to people tell you how much you owe them. You don’t owe the vast majority of people shit.
10. Don’t undermine your fellow young men. Mentor the young men that come after you. Society recognizes that you have the potential to be the most power force in society. It scares them. Society does not find young men sympathetic. They are afraid of you, both individually and collectively. Law enforcement’s primary purpose is to suppress you.
11. As a young man, you’re on your own. Society divides and conquers. Unlike women who have advocates looking out for them (NOW, Women’s Study Departments, government, non-profit organizations, political advocacy groups) almost no one is looking out for you.
12. Young men provide the genius and muscle by which our society thrives. Look at the Silicone Valley. By in large, it was not old men or women that created the revolution we live. Realize that society steals your contributions, secures it with our intellectual property laws, and then takes credit and the rewards where none is due.
13. Know that few people have your best interests at heart. Your mother does. Your father probably does (if he stuck around). Your siblings are on your side. Everybody else worries about themselves.
14. Don’t be afraid to tell people to “fuck off” when need be. It is an important skill to acquire. As they say, speak your piece, even if your voice shakes.
15. Acquire empathy, good interpersonal skills, and confidence. Learn to read body language and non-verbal communication. Don’t just concentrate on your vocational or technical skills, or you’ll find your wife fucking somebody else.
16. Keep fit.
17. Don’t speak ill of your wife/girlfriend. Back her up against the world, even if she’s wrong. She should know that you have her back. When she needs your help, give it. She should know that you’ll take her part.
18. Don’t cheat on your wife/girlfriend. If you must cheat, don’t humiliate her. Don’t risk having your transgressions come back to her or her friends. Don’t do it where you live. Don’t do it with people in your social circle. Don’t shit in your own back yard.
19. If your girlfriend doesn’t make you feel good about yourself and bring joy to your life, fire her. That’s what girlfriends are for.
20. Don’t bother with “emotional affairs.” They are just a vehicle for women to flirt and have someone make them feel good about themselves. That’s the part of a relationship they want. For you it is a lot of work and investment in time. If they are having an emotional affair with you, they’re probably fucking someone else.
21. Becoming a woman’s friend and confidant is not going to get you into an intimate relationship. If you haven’t gotten the girl within a reasonably short period of time, chances are you won’t ever get her. She’ll end up confiding to you about the sexual adventures she’s having with someone else.
22. Have and nurture friendships with women.
23. Realize that love is a numbers game. Guys fall in love easily. You’re going to see some girl and feel like you’ll die if you don’t get her. If she rejects you, move on to the next one. It’s her loss.
24. Don’t be an internet troll. Got out and live life. There is not a cadre of beautiful women advertising on Craigslist to have NSA sex with you. Beautiful women don’t need to advertise. The websites that advertise with attractive women’s photos and claims of loneliness are baloney. All they want is your money and your personal information so that they can market to you. The posts on Craigslist by young “women” seeking NSA sex, and asking for a picture are just a bunch of gay troll pic collectors. This is especially true if the post uses common gay lexicon like “hole” as in “fuck my hole” or seeks “masculine” men, or uses the word cock (except in the context of “Don’t send a cock shot.”) There are women on Craigslist. They are easily recognizable by their 2-5 paragraph postings. Most are in their 30's or older.
25. When you become a man in full, know that people will get in your way. People who are attracted to you will somehow manage to step in your path. Gay guys will give you “the look.” Old people will somehow stumble in front of you at the worst time. Don’t get frustrated. Just step aside and go about your business. Know that these are passive aggressive methods to get you to acknowledge their existence.
26. Don’t gay bash. Don’t mentally or physically abuse people because of who they are, or how they present themselves. It’s none of your business to try to intimidate people into conformity.
27. If your gay, admit it to yourself, your parents, your friends and society at large. Be prepared to get harassed. See rule 14. If someone threatens you or assaults you, call the cops. Have them arrested. You have no obligation to self sacrifice because of who you are. As a gay person, you’ll have more social freedom than straight men. Use it to protect yourself. Be prepared to get out of Dodge if your orientation makes your life unbearable. Move to San Francisco, New York, Atlanta, or New Orleans. You’ll find a welcoming community there.
28. Don’t be a poser. Avoid being one of those dudes who puts a surfboard on top of their car, but never surfs, or a dude with a powder coated fixed gear bike and a messenger bag, but was never a messenger. Live the life. Earn your bona fides.
29. Don’t believe the crap about the patriarchy. More women are accepted and attend college. More degrees are awarded to women than men. Women outlive men. More men commit suicide. Men are twice as likely to be victims of violence, including murder. If you consider sexual assaults in prisons, twice as many men are raped as women (society thinks prison rape is funny). The streets are littered with homeless men, sprinkled with a few homeless women. Statically, women are happier than men. The myth that girls are being cheated by are educational system is belied by the fact that schools are bastions of femininity, mostly run by and taught by women. Girls outperform boys in school. It is the boys in school getting fucked over, and prescribed ritalin for being boys. Real wages for men are falling, while real wages for women are rising. Just because someone says something enough times, doesn’t make it true. You have nothing to feel guilty about.
30. Remember, 97% of all advice is worthless. Take what you can use, and trash the rest.

with that said, bigups to OJ, on his way to try and beat a case. hold your head my dude.

everyone keep my stupid ass friends ray ray and G in their thoughts. they need collective strength from all of us, and as fellow young folk, we should be more than happy to comply. because we'll need it someday.

RETRO OUT!